BENCHWARMERS BULLETIN: League Record for Longest Shift Set

In an unprecedented display of stamina (or stubbornness), local Winnipeg Rec Hockey League (WRHL) player, Dave “The Ironman” Johnson, has set a new league record with an astonishing 9:34 minute shift. The feat, achieved during a game where the team had a full 16-player roster, left teammates both amazed and exasperated.

Dave, who seemed to have mistaken the game for an endurance contest, defied all traditional hockey norms. “I was just feeling the flow, you know?” said Dave, oblivious to his teammates’ growing desperation on the bench.

Teammates attempted various tactics to lure Dave off the ice:

    1.    The Sign Language Strategy: Players resorted to frantic hand signals, miming everything from a bench to a bed, indicating it was time to rest.

    2.    The Hunger Games Ploy: One player shouted about free pizza in the locker room, hoping Dave’s love for pepperoni might triumph over his love for the game.

    3.    The False Alarm Tactic: Another teammate faked an equipment malfunction, yelling for Dave’s ‘expertise’ in the hopes he would skate off.

    4.    The Emotional Appeal: The goalie even tried guilt-tripping him, yelling about how his goldfish needed to be fed – by Dave, specifically.

Despite these creative efforts, Dave remained unphased, continuing his marathon shift until he finally, almost accidentally, jumped into the bench. Team captain, Big Jim, commented, “At one point, we considered sending a search party out there. We weren’t sure he remembered where the bench was.”

The WRHL is now considering implementing a new rule, tentatively titled “The Ironman Clause,” to prevent future occurrences of such epic proportions.